I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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