New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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