Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She even gives head with a lisp.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
