Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
