I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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