I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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