Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
