My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
