dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
