does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
