someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize