Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
