she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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