I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
