just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
