You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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