So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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