There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
