I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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