I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my being single is dangerous.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
