no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
