im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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