Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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