So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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