Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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