At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
