so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
