Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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