I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
