Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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