so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
