..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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