Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sober January is a disaster.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
