well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
