I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
