and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We left the knife in your bed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
