I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
