i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
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Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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