We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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