News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
