defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
