Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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