im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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