the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I met the friendliest cop last night
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
