nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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