you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
