I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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