We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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