No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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