I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
