Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
