she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
