1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
