just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
