He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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