Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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