Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
