Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
