she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
