even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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