I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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